When Help Hurts
You can have the greatest intentions, but your help can still hurt.
I know, it’s a tough pill to swallow but one that is important for us all to recognize. Sometimes our help hurts.
Often times when we get the urge to help it’s because we want to alleviate the suffering of someone (or something) else. We project our feelings onto the other person and try to save ourselves by saving them. Get it? We want to save them because WE don’t want to suffer. Who does? But, suffering is a part of the human experience. Or is it? The Buddha said “pain is inevitable, suffering is optional”.
I got this reminder (for a second time) in my garage this morning. I noticed some tiny flies on the window buzzing around, I could hear the buzzing very loudly and after inspecting further, I noticed a spider had one fly in it’s web and was in the process of wrapping it up to kill, and the fly was buzzing it’s wings so rapidly it was making a loud noise. [Cue savior mode]
As I gazed at the activity happening a part of me said “don’t interject, this is nature doing its thing”. And I did in fact pause, but that ego was even louder and said “look at how that poor thing is suffering, it’s frantic! You can help, you should help.” and if you know me, you know I loathe the word should! I pulled a “should” on myself!
I wrestled with this internal battle for a few moments, reflecting upon a time last summer when I was in the same exact situation and I did indeed “try” to help and was not helpful at all, and in fact did more harm than good. (It’s funny how we have to repeat the same lessons over and over before we finally get it).
I ultimately interjected myself so much into the suffering of the situation that I freed the fly from the web and in the process destroyed the web, caught the spider in the middle of it, and had to place the spider around a cooler handle. The fly was still so caught up in the web that it couldn’t move besides from continuing to frantically buzz it’s wings and exhaust itself swirling in circles on the floor. I found myself in the same damn pickle. Funny how history repeats itself.
I stood there even more helpless than I was before. Feeling even more crappier than I did before. Because I KNEW better. I knew what the right thing to do was, let it be. But, I placed my own fear of discomfort into the situation and tried to alleviate the pain of others, only to make it worse for everyone. Woof.
I invite you to reflect on when you have ever done this same exact thing. When have you tried to save someone or something to only prolong or increase suffering in the end?
Is there someone in your life that you are subconsciously addicted to saving or helping? Do you have tendencies to interject yourself onto others, try to save them, only to ultimately feel worse about the situation?
After the shock wears off, take a deep cleansing breath and give yourself permission to step back. Forgive yourself for causing pain and do nothing.
It does not mean that we are cold, it means that we love the person, AND ourselves so much, that we know our boundaries and we know and accept that our help, was in fact causing more hurt than necessary.
Remind yourself what a good person you are and that you are doing the best you can with the information you have and that you are in a constant state of growth and evolution. You can always counter this energy by going out and doing something helpful for a stranger; holding the door open, giving an extra tip to your barista, bringing in a neighbors mail. It’s a great way to direct that helping energy!
Yours in Yoga,
Amanda
